On Friendship 


Today a coworker, let’s call her Fran, came into work with her newborn. I saw her down the hall showing him off to two other coworkers. I quickly slipped into my office and closed the door. No way was I going to handle that well. Later, a friend told me that Fran had been looking for me specifically. Eek.

The thing is, I feel like Fran should know better. She’s the one who wanted my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. (Clue #1: no response to the text). She’s also someone who rescued me from taking baby appointments during the 22 days I worked at WIC post-loss. (Clue #2: me bawling in my office after seeing a baby). Later, this afternoon I noticed an envelope in the box on my office door. Thinking it was from someone else, I opened it. A thank you card. With a  photo collage postcard of her living baby. Pre-loss, I magneted photo cards like this onto our fridge.   Uh-uh. No way. I tried to pawn off the card on my living daughter but she had her own choice words to say about that baby. What the hell am I supposed to do with this card?


Six weeks after my loss, a friend, let’s call her Holly, phoned to tell me she is pregnant. (A rough way to receive such news, as I desperately held back tears while congratulating her). And even though I have known this woman for nine years, and even though she was one of the first people to reach out to me in my grief and offer her support, I have drawn back from her. I have stopped responding to her texts. I have neglected to return her phone calls. Last week I had a meeting in the building where she works and I couldn’t bring myself to stop by her office. 

Fran and Holly didn’t dump in or say hurtful platitudes. All they did was get pregnant and deliver (or expect to deliver) a living baby. However, I selfishly don’t want anything to do with either of these people. I don’t want to see them or talk to them and I CERTAINLY don’t want to see their babies.  This is incredibly unfair to both of them. 

Then again, it is incredibly astronomically unfair that my baby died.

In the midst of your grief, did you lose friends as a result of circumstance? Were the friendships eventually mended?


6 thoughts on “On Friendship ”

  1. Ughhh Fran seems pretty dense. I lost several friends because they got pregnant and eventually had healthy babies. It just hurts too bad. Melissa mailed me a birth announcement one month after Matthew died. Kim handled everything gracefully but I ran from her anyway. Emma tried to relate to my loss with her miscarriage and then I think she was offended because I couldn’t relate to her and she was pregnant so that friendship died. Unfortunately these friendships are still gone and I’ve not met any of these babies. The one with Kim is the only one of the three that has a chance of resuming because she did nothing wrong but I think seeing her baby will always be too painful for me. 💔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know why I feel bad for Fran. I feel like she is so clueless and naive. Once, after I returned, I noted that I would take an appointment with a postpartum mom who had lost her baby to miscarriage. Fran was astounded that I would choose that appointment over a mom with a living baby. Pre-loss, my favorite WIC appointments to take were the ones with postpartum moms and newborn babies. I didn’t want the awkward ones who had lost their baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDS. If I still worked at WIC I would claim all the “dead baby” appointments because those moms, I can relate to those moms.
      Your Kim sounds like my Holly. But when Holly has her baby in November-ish, that will be a reminder that my Baby C would be 6ish months old. She would be eating solids and sitting up, maybe army crawling, rolling over, babbling and cooing. My older daughter would be reading her books and playing peek-a-boo. IT’S NOT FAIR!!!
      Ok, sorry, once again, Christine, thank you for your insight and comments. I do find reassurance seeing that you have experienced some similar things and are surviving.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I pulled away from a lot of people with babies after losing mine. IF they are true friends, they will understand why. I mean I can’t be around your newborn when the last one I held was my stillborn son. It’s just not happening! Hopefully most understand. I’ve had people ask if I would be ok with the baby covered thank you cards. That person should’ve known better. But people are so into their own lives and forget about the tragic losses we’ve had.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have a neighbor with two sons the same ages as my oldest two and then we got pregnant around the same time as each other for our thirds. Mine died, hers didn’t. I’ve gone way out of my way to avoid them. Her kids go to the same preschool as mine and I’ve had to arrange for other people to pick up my son from school so I don’t see them.

    I’ve also cut off everyone who has had a baby since my son was stillborn. I have a small selection of “safe” friends, mostly those who are loss parents, done having kids, or childfree by choice. Thankfully these people are awesome and I don’t miss the others too much. The weird thing is I’m now 24 days from a scheduled induction so the recently born babies are actually peers for my current baby but I’m afraid to bond with them in case she doesn’t make it. My next door neighbor gave birth a month ago and I haven’t been over to meet the baby yet because either our girls will be close in age great buddies or their girl will be a reminder of what we’ve lost.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve also started referring to people as ‘safe.’ People whose kids are grown, or at least older than mine, the childless, and loss moms. I think one challenge I’ve had is loss moms who have babies. Somehow I feel differently with them, they somehow ‘get It’s. Thanks for reading and commenting. 💕


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