100 Days and Stream of Consciousness

100 days. I have survived a nightmare for 100 days. 100 days ago I learned my baby’s heart stopped while mine did not. I have cried for 100 consecutive days.  100 days ago I thought I would cease to exist. But I didn’t. I haven’t. Yet.

And 365 days ago (or thereabouts) my baby was conceived (at home, not in a fertility clinic). TMI? I’d apologize for making you feel uncomfortable but I’m going to be uncomfortable every single day for the rest of my life.  For, like, 264 days or something like that (math isn’t my strength) my baby grew, safely housed within me. Then 100 days ago she died (well, probably 102 days ago).

The other day I mentioned to someone (while sobbing into their shoulder) that I fear this experience will make me a bitter person. She misunderstood and thought I said better person. No. I can’t imagine I’m a better person. I’m most certainly bitter.

I’ve started back to work–easing in with 4 hours per day. So far I’ve clocked 36 hours. I haven’t walked out. Yet. Though I’ve wanted to.  This morning I had a meeting with my supervisor and the human resources manager. My supervisor likes to pretend she cares about people. But she doesn’t. She cares about herself and her reputation. I could see an obvious relief on her face when I reassured her that I will be “ready” to resume my regular hours next week. I don’t know if that is actually true. Will I ever be ready?

On my way out of the building at noon, I ran into my intern from last summer, coming for an interview. We stopped to chat. I studied her face. I couldn’t tell if she knew. 

“I’m not sure if you heard, I lost my baby.” (Geeze, there it is…lost…where did she go? Off with my red Marmot jacket?)

“Yes, I didn’t want to say anything unless you did. I’m really sorry about that.”

Better to lay it out there. Otherwise it’s just the obviously uncomfortable elephant in the room.

Back in July, my husband and I met with a perinatologist. I won’t go into all the boring medical details, only to say that I FINALLY connected with her last week by phone. (She’s a big-shot CEO at the hospital, I think she just consults with Maternal-Fetal Medicine to keep her license current). Final verdict: massive fetomaternal hemorrhage (FMH). Which is what was initially suspected but now it’s official. As to what caused it? They have no idea. As this doctor said “I’d expect this type of outcome had you been abusing large amounts of cocaine….” (In case you’re wondering, I’m not a coke addict).  I’ll  direct you over to fellow “Loss Mama” Vanessa for the details on this very rare medical condition. I can’t say it better than her: FMH truly can go to hell.

I fired my first therapist and am now on my second. Anyway, this new one has been treating me for trauma using a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). We’ve had four sessions so far. Last week I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if it was working. She pulled out her handwritten notes and studied my scale ratings. “Well, at your first session, your distress level was a 10 and last time you were at a 6 so that proves it’s helping.” How does she know it’s the EMDR helping and not the passage of time?

This Thursday is DBC (Dead Baby Club). That isn’t really what it’s called. Obviously. I still have a handful of people who I haven’t scared away. People I knew before my loss who aren’t in the DBC. But now that I’m in the DBC I feel most comfortable around other people who are surviving. I’m only 100 days in.  Some of them have been DBC members for years. I can’t even fathom how I will feel next week let alone in months or years. Or decades.

So I’ve survived 100 days. In the next 100 days I will resume my full-time working hours. My daughter will start pre-kindergarten. Leaves will begin to change color and fall from the trees. I will be participating in a fundraising walk in October for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We’ll go to my favorite fall fair (no rides, just agriculture and hippies). We’ll head to Nashville for a wedding. My daughter will finalize her Halloween costume (Rapunzel? Pony? Will keep you posted). We’ll begin to think about winter because here, where we are in New England, we could potentially get snow in early November. And we’ll pack for our trip to Florida because 100 days from now takes us right to Thanksgiving. 

100 days.

Dear Boss From Hell

*Disclaimer: I may be reading too much (nah, no such thing) chickydoodles as I have slipped in some profanity (not much, don’t worry).

Dear Boss from Hell:

When you asked  me how my first day back went and I said “okay”, that was a lie. Here’s what I wish I could have said to you:

  1. I find it completely unrealistic that you expected me to jump right back into taking WIC appointments. I know this comes from a truly selfish place in your soul (wait….do you have one?). The excuses of being “short-staffed” due to “staff resignation and vacations” means NOTHING to me. I don’t give a rat’s ass that you are stressed out about how full the schedule is. FIGURE IT OUT. Today should have been purely about me transitioning back in–reacquainting myself with my office, my computer, checking my email, looking at the fuck-up of a job you did on the medical formula prescription log, and reviewing my high risk participants. Basically, you should have just pretended that I wasn’t there. Yes, I realize that would mean that you would need to see clients. SUCK IT UP. You have three living children to go home to.
  2. When you said that you wanted my transition back to work to be “as smooth as possible”, was that you pretending to care? At the time you said it, I thought that you were being sincere. I realized how insincere you actually were a mere hour later. Expecting me to take an appointment with a postpartum mom and her newborn on my first day back to work after delivering my dead baby was cruel. To respond with “there’s nobody else to take them” and “you want me to take that appointment?” was cruel and unprofessional.
  3. When you say “I can’t imagine how hard this must be,” that is a lie. You CAN imagine but you choose not to. Whereas most people choose not to imagine how hard my situation is because it is absolutely horrific, I believe that you choose not to imagine because you don’t know what empathy is. Let me explain it to you. Empathy is when you try to understand someone else’s situation from their perspective, the so-called “walk a mile in their shoes.” I would not expect you to say “I understand how you feel.” In fact I would find that insulting because in fact, you cannot understand how I feel unless you have purposefully become pregnant, carried a baby for 40 weeks, been told that baby died, then pushed her out of your body. You cannot begin to understand unless an urn containing your baby’s ashes sits on your dresser (or her body is buried underground). You cannot understand unless your breasts have leaked milk with no baby to feed. However, you can imagine. You can close your eyes and remember your own pregnancies, labor, and postpartum period. Now picture your precious baby without a beating heart, silent, cold, dead. Imagine planning a funeral for your baby. Imagine writing an obituary for a life that never had a chance to live outside your body. Imagine explaining to your living child that there isn’t going to be a baby sister after all.  I have never experienced the death of a parent but I have experienced what it is like to have parents, I have experienced grief, and I have watched my parents plan memorial services and “make arrangements” for their own parents, therefore I can imagine what this might feel like. I will not know what it feels like until it happens.
  4. Expecting me to come up with an appropriate schedule for the future is unrealistic. I take each moment as it comes. In the beginning it was literally moment by moment. Then hour by hour. Then chunks of a few hours. Then one day at a time. Now I can take maybe three consecutive days at a time and imagine how that will go. I do not know how I will feel on August 10th, 18th, or 21st. Asking me to work a full 8 hour day is also unrealistic at this time. One thing I never understood before my baby’s death is how exhausting grief is. Part of it is the crying; crying takes a lot of energy. Part of it is the sleepless nights. Tossing and turning, thinking about how I’m supposed to have a crib next to the bed with a baby in the crib. I’m supposed to be sleeping because in a few hours I’ll be up nursing. Everything I do takes a tremendous amount of energy. I have a difficult time focusing because in the back of my head is a voice reminding me that I am the mother of a dead baby.  You say you need to know my hours so you can schedule clients. How about this: schedule yourself for clients and if I feel “okay” (because “okay” is as good as it gets these days), then I will see those clients. You don’t know how lucky you are that I have returned to this job.

I am fortunate to work in a building with other people who are empathetic. Although most have not experienced the devastating loss of a baby, they can imagine (there’s that empathy again) how difficult it is for me to return to the workplace where I will inevitably encounter pregnant women and their babies. I welcomed hugs, kind words, flowers and chocolate from co-workers (friends) this morning. I am proud that I stayed for the entire four hours I was scheduled to be there today. And I plan to return tomorrow. But since I can only envision chunks of 3 days at a time, I cannot say whether I will be there on Monday.

Sincerely,

Your Employee who Birthed a Stillborn Baby 12 weeks and 3 days ago