I have been busy purging my office at work–recycling papers I no longer need and boxing up my personal items because….I GOT A NEW JOB! If you have been following for a while, you know that I have struggled with my post-loss return to work. And if you are a new reader, welcome! In a nutshell, I work with moms and their babies AND I have a sociopath for a boss. A new job is very, VERY good news for me. I start next Tuesday.
It’s a strange feeling to be packing up my office after 8 ½ years. When I started my job, I was beginning a new (second) career as a registered dietitian, My first career, as a special education teacher, was short-lived (three years). When I began my career at WIC, I was the youngest on staff, excited and enthusiastic to be making a difference in the lives of families. But now I am bitter and disenchanted; and definitely not the youngest. Truth be told, I have been looking for a new job for several years, due to the sociopathic boss, but there are few opportunities in my community. Be it fate, or God (doubtful) or some other force of nature, a new opportunity has landed in my lap. My new supervisor is the exact opposite of sociopathic. Plus, she’s a fellow “loss mama,” part of the DBC–the club nobody wants to be in with the highest dues ever.
I get to keep my benefits and pay rate as an employee of the same municipality I am currently employeed. My paycheck comes out of a different federal grant and not only do I get a new (better, shinier) boss, I also get a bigger office. Like I said, it’s a good thing.
In other news, I’ve clocked 93 hours since my return. In hour 92, it happened. The moment I have been dreading since my return to work:
Client: You had your baby!
Me: Uh, she died.
Client: *shocked look* Oh my gawd, I’m so sorry.
Me: Thank you. All I can do is move forward.
Client: I’m not sure if you remember, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. How far along were you?
Me: On my due date. Her heart had stopped.
Client: Anyway, I’ve been running out of formula so I’ve been giving [10 month old infant] whole milk.
And then there was this other mom. Her baby was born on May 4th, 4 days before mine. An adorable girl. I think she was adorable. I tried my best not to look directly at this baby, this reminder of what my youngest daughter isn’t. I hid behind the woman (girl?) I’m training to replace me. I tried to focus on walking her through the ridiculous software program I won’t miss. I tried to block out the sounds of the baby. I tried to dissociate myself from the angst. And I did it. I made it through those two very difficult scenarios. I didn’t fall apart until 4:33 when I was safe in my car.
Four more days.
What was the worst experience you had telling someone about your loss?