I was about a month old, and living near Seattle, when Mount St. Helens erupted on May 18, 1980. In the two months prior to that major eruption, the volcano was active; earthquakes and small eruptions occurred. The mountain was preparing itself for a major explosion.
October has been a difficult month for me, which I didn’t expect. I thought by this time– twenty-five weeks post-delivery–I would be well on my way toward healing. Instead, I feel more discouraged than ever. My anger has become significantly worse and I feel like a walking volcano, ready to erupt. Like Mount St. Helens, I have warning signs, little earthquakes and small explosions happening.
In the checkout line at the grocery store: a sign requesting money for breast cancer research. Boom. What about stillbirth research?
Picking up my anti-depressant prescription refill: tiny pink breast cancer ribbon on the cap. Boom. WHAT ABOUT STILLBIRTH RESEARCH?
At a remembrance walk for infant loss: everyone else with massive teams and me with just my living daughter. Boom. Where are all my friends?
Same remembrance walk: Christian prayer opener. Boom. Eff God.
At a birthday party for my daughter’s classmate: TWO mothers who delivered living babies this past spring. Boom. My baby should be here too.
Infant Loss Awareness Month: My 40-week stillbirth gets lumped in with a 6 week miscarriage. Boom. It’s not comparable.
Reading information about kick-counting and movement monitoring. Boom.
I failed my baby. My midwife failed my baby and me.
Knowing my living daughter doesn’t really ‘count’ her sister as a sister. Boom. Knowing she can’t, it’s not real to her.
Thinking back to one year ago: nausea, vomiting, misery. Boom. All for
Not talking to friends for weeks because one is pregnant and one has a living baby. Boom. Knowing that our friendships are over because my baby died.
Reliving my entire pregnancy and every decision I made/didn’t make. Boom. Seeing my baby’s urn on my dresser. Boom.
I wonder when/if “the big one” will hit. Will I one day explode? Will I go off the deep end?
How has anger affected your grief process? Have you found healthy ways to manage and process your anger?