Therapy: Part 1

In most Western countries, our healthcare focuses on the physical–we comply with the recommendations for annual physical exams, biannual dental cleanings, and yearly eye exams.

But we neglect our mental health. The times I’ve sought counseling were for a specific purpose and usually the event was abrupt, leaving me little time to thoroughly investigate who might be a good “mental health match” for me.

My husband is the one who found our first counselor post-loss. Because he was aware of my history of depression, and concerned about the effect of our baby’s death on our marriage,  he sought recommendations from coworker and found Meryl (not her real name). Meryl has a PhD in clinical psychology from Ohio University. She completed a predoctoral internship at Harvard. (Impressive). Her website maintains that she has been in practice for twenty years and specializes in stress/trauma and PTSD, anxiety and depression, and women’s issues.

Our first session with Meryl was June 8, a bit over 4 weeks post-loss but exactly one month from the death, delivery, and birth of my youngest daughter. (The delay in securing an appointment sooner, having to do with the fact that Meryl practices part-time and also had been on vacation). Meryl had been briefed on the trauma, yet she was clearly uncomfortable with the topic. She wasn’t familiar with the language around pregnancy loss, she never used our baby’s name, and at times, she seemed to be looking my way for direction on how to counsel me.  She couldn’t seem to identify what I needed (and I certainly didn’t know).  Her ideas about helping me ease back to work were ridiculous.  My husband and I met with Meryl twice as a couple and I met with her three times individually, then never called her back. Meryl didn’t bill insurance so we paid upwards of $200 (USD) per counseling session.

Now what?

Several people had recommended that I seek a therapist certified in a type of  treatment called EMDR . I searched on the Psychology Today website and another therapist-search site specific to the state I live in. I found this process to be frustrating. On the Psychology Today website I could filter by town/zip code, insurance, treatment modality (cognitive behavior therapy, EMDR, trauma-focused, hypnotherapy–among others) and issue (grief, depression, trauma and PTSD, women’s issues–among others). I WISH there was one titled “perinatal loss”. Even a quick google search “perinatal loss stillbirth name of state” got me nothing. So I went with trauma/PTSD and grief.

That’s how I found Mindi, my second therapist. Her credentials weren’t as impressive as Meryl’s, but at this point I had little faith in credentials. Mindi is an LCSW with an additional credential in EMDR therapy from Boston University. She has been practicing as a therapist for over ten years. And great news–she did bill my insurance and my copay per session was $6 and some odd-cents (USD).

I had high hopes for Mindi. Our first session was 9 weeks post-loss and it seemed like she was going to be the counselor to help me move through this.  We met for a total of eight sessions, our final session ending a little over 18 weeks post-loss. Five of the eight sessions involved EMDR therapy. And then I felt like I had run out of things to talk about. We’d covered the initial trauma of the loss, my transition to my new job, parenting a living child post-loss, triggers, some coping mechanisms and tools….what else was there? Plus, there were the sad pitying puppy-dog eyes and pouty lip that frequently dawned Mindi’s face when I shared a particularly heart-breaking thought. While the EMDR seemed to help (I think?) initially, I couldn’t foresee myself doing much more of it. (EMDR involves reliving the trauma). So we concluded our counseling with the understanding that I could call for a future appointment if needed. (I won’t call her). (One of the interesting things about Mindi’s location was that her office was upstairs from a bridal boutique. Everytime I went, I wondered if someone seeking counseling post-divorce would find this to be a trigger).

Am I better? Well, I suppose I am better than I was on May 9th. Am I well? Cured? No longer in need of therapy? I don’t know. I still cry daily. But maybe this is how it will be for the rest of my life. The most difficult thing about counseling for me, as an introvert, is expressing myself verbally. This was one clear advantage of the EMDR therapy.  I didn’t need to explain anything to my therapist. She didn’t need to have my life story or know every detail of the trauma. By default, the modality of EMDR took care of it. What would therapy for introverts look like? I think a written journal, email sessions, better yet–here’s the link to my blog–read it and know everything I’m thinking, then help me.

I knew I couldn’t be the only person with this frustration, so I decided to complete an informal poll.


Did you try therapy? What was great? What was awful?

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3 thoughts on “Therapy: Part 1”

  1. Great post. I did seek therapy, probably six weeks post miscarriage and again recently. I haven’t found the right person yet I feel. I am not a holistic or spiritual person and I find a lot of the professionals here will talk about a lot of treatments that I don’t think are for me – even going so far as to suggest astrology charts. It’s been frustrating to say the least!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just read your Part 2 (sorry for the two comments) but this really stood out to me:
    “found that I was unable to be truthful with my counselor. The one time I saw her, I pretended to be okay and gave all the right answers. I wish I didn’t. I wish that she had pushed me harder rather than just seeming to accept everything I said… I mean, I showed up to talk about my baby’s stillbirth, she should have guessed there was ‘more’ to what I was saying.” This really resonated with me. I held back because I never felt right with anyone. Those stats were excellent, reassuring to know I’m not the only one thinking those thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you sought out therapy and completely empathize w/ the need to find the right fit. I’m still in search of that to a degree but I’ve got some other barriers. I wrote about it a little bit in my blog post titled “On Being a Therapist in Therapy”. https://blackangelmom.com/2017/09/27/on-being-a-therapist-in-therapy/
    I think this whole process takes time… sometimes way more time than I feel like giving it and therapy-shopping is probably one of the most annoying parts of the process. Good luck w/ it though and in general, with the healing. So sorry for your loss.

    Like

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