Fresh Start

I have been busy purging my office at work–recycling papers I no longer need and boxing up my personal items because….I GOT A NEW JOB! If you have been following for a while, you know that I have struggled with my post-loss return to work. And if you are a new reader, welcome! In a nutshell, I work with moms and their babies AND I have a sociopath for a boss. A new job is very, VERY good news for me. I start next Tuesday.

It’s a strange feeling to be packing up my office after 8 ½ years. When I started my job, I was beginning a new (second) career as a registered dietitian, My first career, as a special education teacher, was short-lived (three years). When I began my career at WIC, I was the youngest on staff, excited and enthusiastic to be making a difference in the lives of families. But now I am bitter and disenchanted; and definitely not the youngest.  Truth be told, I have been looking for a new job for several years, due to the sociopathic boss, but there are few opportunities in my community.  Be it fate, or God (doubtful) or some other force of nature, a new opportunity has landed in my lap. My new supervisor is the exact opposite of sociopathic. Plus, she’s a fellow “loss mama,” part of the DBC–the club nobody wants to be in with the highest dues ever.

I get to keep my benefits and pay rate as an employee of the same municipality I am currently employeed. My paycheck comes out of a different federal grant and not only do I get a new (better, shinier) boss, I also get a bigger office.  Like I said, it’s a good thing.

In other news, I’ve clocked 93 hours since my return.  In hour 92, it happened. The moment I have been dreading since my return to work: 

Client: You had your baby!

Me: Uh, she died.

Client: *shocked look* Oh my gawd, I’m so sorry.

Me: Thank you. All I can do is move forward.

Client: I’m not sure if you remember, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. How far along were you?

Me: On my due date. Her heart had stopped.

Client: Anyway, I’ve been running out of formula so I’ve been giving [10 month old infant] whole milk.

And then there was this other mom. Her baby was born on May 4th, 4 days before mine. An adorable girl. I think she was adorable.  I tried my best not to look directly at this baby, this reminder of what my youngest daughter isn’t. I hid behind the woman (girl?) I’m training to replace me.  I tried to focus on walking her through the ridiculous software program I won’t miss. I tried to block out the sounds of the baby. I tried to dissociate myself from the angst. And I did it. I made it through those two very difficult scenarios. I didn’t fall apart until 4:33 when I was safe in my car. 

Four more days.

What was the worst experience you had telling someone about your loss?

5 thoughts on “ Fresh Start”

  1. I have been here. After the loss of my first daughter, I changed jobs a couple months later. I was working from home, and I thought getting out of the house would help me. But after my second daughter passed, we had talked about me staying at home when she was born, so we decided it would just be best that I stay at home while we try to get pregnant again. I know not everyone gets that option, and I’m very thankful I’ve been able to do this, though there have been pros and cons to it. The second job was really hard, emotionally.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you and your husband found a way to make it work for you to stay home. When I was pregnant with my second daughter I debated quitting my job to stay home but then thought I’d go back part time. When she died, all my plans flew out the window.

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  2. Congratulations on your new job – I hope it proves to be the change you need. I’m so sorry your old job turned out to be so terrible. That client’s reaction to your loss?! OMG – horrible. I am so very sorry. I think the most terrible reaction to my loss was a contractor came over to bid on some work on our house and was like, “How was your summer?” I was like, “Terrible – my first born child died. It’s been the most devastating time of my life.” And he replied, “Oh gosh – better luck next time, I guess?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Christine! It’s so strange how being a bereaved mother infiltrates into every nook and cranny of one’s life. I mean, it’s not strange, it makes sense. I guess, what I mean is that it’s irritating. It’s uncomfortable that I have to learn how to live a different life than the one I had before.
      Ugh. “Better luck next time?” I’d be like “eff you”(My filter is basically gone these days).

      Liked by 1 person

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